/fringe/ - Fringe

When you lose weight you don't lose your tummy. It's just a hole filled with filth where the belly used to be, full of shit that is there to be digested.
Think of things like pus, and dead stinking organisms.
Suddenly everyone acts all funny, joking about me. It soon thereafter changed into everyone acting dramatic towards me as if they were in a longstanding fit of rage.
Too afraid to come to me and say it to my face, or were there other reasons? I mean; I must be missing something important if I can feel anger without it being shown. Maybe I took too many drugs. That must be it; Too many, too bad.
Maybe it's just my head producing terrible dreams, combined with a horrible holiday partner (AKA: Horrible thought seed), combined with compressed cannabis that was so obviously laced that it was painful, combined with the meaningful but absolutely abysmal paranoia it induced, combined with my past insecurities and lifelong shyness and shame of myself, combined with me reaching for the stars concluded by feeling extremely guilty about it all, which concluded in me abandoning my crystals because I was not feeling good enough about myself. I summed up my entire life with the words: 'I have failed'.
I was stunned for literally five to six months.
I'm still losing weight today, with tendencies to hit anyone who says anything about it. Seriously people say stupid shit like: 'Wow you have lose weight, again.' These people are either very worried for some reason or too stupid to realize that I am noticing it myself, obviously not caring much about it. Me being angry is not fair, I know.
I am starting to get better in a number of ways. My dreams start to get way better. I feel more love in dreams and I have lots of romantic encounters with amazing creatures, including a lot of people that I know in this life. I'm able to accept and love crystals more than before, with less shame of being judged about it.
My diet has changed a bit, I think I'm able to at least stop the weight-loss.. It was getting out of hand. I still have trouble finding good food, maybe I just care to much.
Sometimes I have a beautiful mind. I wake up with loving, caring, wild, mild, peaceful, romantic thoughts. It sticks for an hour or so and deteriorates throughout the day. I go negative and it kills me. I feel like I have to beg for attention and that makes me not like myself, at all.
I have beautiful fantasies of me and girls, in a world where you're not owned by a single person and in a world where there is no jealousy. We attract but also let go. Unfortunately these fantasies get polluted by negative thoughtpatterns at day. Deep inside of me I need to take action on them, and when I do, I get confronted by my struggles in this life; shyness, shame, fear, lousy-ness in general.
The problem lies with taking intiative. Initiative has been taken on me a few times in the way of romance, and my fears started slipping away soon thereafter. Negative translation would be: I'm a betrayer, too afraid to act upon his thought when he believes in them, therefore attracting anger and guilt into his life at day.
The paranoia is less too, but it's strongly interconnected with my day-brain ,my ears & my fears.
I know suicide is not a way out because consiousness will stick, and I'm too pussy to undertake it anyways.
Anyways, just wanted to share.