No.30512
After seeing that other anon's thread about suicide at first I tried to think of reasons he shouldn't do it but ultimately just realized I should probably just kill myself.
I can't function on basic level that other people can. I suffer constant pain and problems with my body. I can not enjoy anything in life as my body doesn't let me do so.
…and I'm really sick of this. My progress in several years has been shit while someone else I knew who started studying the same occult shit as me like years after I started progressed way further than me because he was just feeling sad and I told him everything I knew and he was able to implement it and make it work wonderfully.
I know SO MUCH but struggle to implement the knowledge I have because of my fucking body getting in the way. Year after year drags on and each year I think it will be the year I can start to live my life. I feel constant disgust and shame at being trapped inside this wretched body of mine having trouble breathing, sleeping, relaxing, feeling, and engaging in any kind of physical work without pain the whole time that never heals over.
There's no point for me to go on living if year after year I continue to fail to progress while others pass me by. I know what I know is correct and it works because others are able to benefit from me when they are able to overlook in my inability to live up to what I speak about and just try out what I am saying regardless. I see them get miles ahead of me in magickal achievement and I am envious and sad.
All of the time I am in my body, I suffer. All of the time I am in my body, I want to escape.
Please do not spam my thread with platitudes btw. I have been thinking about suicide for years and I feel a lot more comfortable with the idea of actually doing it at last. I am too hurt to fix myself, to fix myself I need to relax and meditate and do a lot of other things but my body continues to make even the basic stuff impossible for me.
I think my only hope is that maybe SOMEONE might reach such a level of development and hopefully not forget me in the meanwhile that they'd come back for me and relieve me of my suffering, fixing my body up for me, so I can begin to actually live my life and progress and think about and achieve greater things than merely trying to my fucking body to work. I mean come the fuck on, other people get to concern themselves with relationships and building astral realms and running businesses and doing community work and contributing to either the world or their own mental and spiritual development in meaningful ways. I just get to watch them and cry that I'm going to die a premature death in my failing body and never get to do much of anything.
It's not getting better, nobody is going to intervene on my behalf to relieve me of this suffering, and when you think about it what is death anyways? What is wrong with me just killing myself? I am fully justified at this point in ending my life. How I am going to kill myself is another matter… I am thinking maybe I will take pain tranquillizers then use that window of opportunity to evoke a powerful entity and ask it to possess me and kill my body for me. Cutting the silvercord intentionally also would do the job.
No.30513
There are people here that want me to live of course but these are people who don't live with me. I am constantly in turmoil because of my issues with my body. I can not enrich your life by being with you. Living with me you'd just have to deal with my constant stress and I feel disgusting. I am not soft, you won't want to cuddle me, you won't want to be intimate with me, there is nothing pleasurable about my body which is just repulsive. I have nothing to give to anyone anymore.
If someone could either HEAL ME or mercifully KILL ME; I would appreciate it very much. Yet anyone capable of doing that has moved on from this place to bigger and better things and forgot about the likes of me. I'm sick of being in stasis due to an inadequate body.
Whenever I see and hear other people talking about their lives it makes me so fucking sad and angry. I hear people complaining about their jobs and wish I was capable of even working in the first place and feel such great shame at not being able to work. I see them talking about silly relationship problems and I wish I just had the fucking vessel where I don't feel absolutely disgusted at any person that shows interest in me and I can't be affectionate and loving because I'm in constant pain and stress.
I think I just need to kill myself while not sad. I need to do something to get myself into as euphoric a state of mind as possible and while I'm in that state I need to end it. I can produce such states temporarily before the exhaustion and the feelings of my body overwhelm my consciousness again.
That's the absolute worst thing for me btw. I HATE so very much to feel what my body feels. It's like I'm being molested, day in and day out, forever. These disgusting feelings force themselves on my mind and I want it to stop. I am constantly sore, greasy, tired, my eyes sting, my skin feels wrong. I want to cut parts of my body away and discard them just to be free of the horrible sensations I get from them. I want to cut away my skin and toss it off. I want to cut out my eyes and be relieved of their weariness. I want to cut off my half my face and remove all my teeth and jaw and just be free of the constant unpleasant sensations coming from there. I want to cut off my nose and my legs and my hips and groin. It all fucking pains me and is disgusting. I hate this body so much.
You should help me kill myself or help me heal but don't leave me in this state. I don't even give a shit about the state of society or if you're some girl that wants to fug me or whatever else that is external to my body right now, none of that upsets or concerns me. All I need for happiness at this point is to be free of the burden of having my consciousness trapped in this inferior vessel. I am so weary of the constant suffering of my body. I am a young man but I feel like an old man who is dying.
Fuck, typed out too much, got to break this up into two posts now…
No.30515
Do you even emotional alchemy, bro?
>no feel guy flag
No.30516
I guess if I kill myself I might lose all this knowledge I waste so much fucking time accruing with the probable death of my personality in the astral. It's a huge fucking shame and I sure as fuck don't want to reincarnate in another broken vessel like the one I have now AGAIN in my next life. This is just unbearable and the thought of it going on & on life after life is just even more torture and despair that I can hardly handle.
>>30515Yes I know about it and can apply it to an extent but I keep burning out. I start powering myself up for astral travel or constructing a thoughtform and I reach a point where I just run out of steam and my mind becomes intensely numb. It's like something is snuffing out my consciousness at that point and try as I might to feel, I can only feel vaguely.
When I am in intense physical pain, I tend to be able to transmute that pretty well, but then the ummmm… the fucking pendulum swings back and I'm just left with a numb suffering.
That's very characteristic of my life. It's a just a vague shitty feeling of aches and pains and general soreness and gloominess that constantly bombards my mind all the time. It is a great struggle to escape it that only lasts temporarily.
No.30517
You guys can feel free to ignore this thread I guess. MAYBE I just haven't tried hard enough yet but I don't know. I am sick of being in the astral for like just 2 hours just to lose the connection and be back in this incredibly disgusting body I have for the next 22 hours.
…and I never make a permanent enough fix. In fact I don't make any kind of permanent progress at all which is a real bother. If I manage to heal something a little, it inevitably goes back to its shit condition a few hours. If I could make slight permanent changes to my body it would add up but I can't, the overall trend with my body is towards degeneration, instead of getting better overall I just get more and more shit.
No.30518
Btw, if ANYONE has a place I could go in the astral that you know about where I could receive some kind of aid I would highly appreciate it. Just tell me where and give me some kind of indication as to how I am to actually get to that particular realm and place in the astral.
No.30519
I don't know how to make permanent progress on uplifting the condition of my body. I don't know how to reverse the trend of degeneration. I can at best do slight patching over just to have that part revert back to shit a few hours later. The very best I've managed might have lasted about 2 days before going back to shit… and I burn out so fucking hard doing this. I know that desire is a key part of these magickal works but I need to keep up this intense desire and amplify it and focus/concentrate it. I tend to get assaulted by other thoughtforms trying to do this too which beat me down and distract me and dissipate my power as a consequence.
No.30520
I wish I had better insight into what is going on in my body. What could I possibly be doing wrong? Am I sacrificing too much vitality on astral travel? Do I need to sleep more while in the astral? Is there something about my diet that is killing me, even though other people seem to eat the same stuff as me and be just fine?
So many fucking things that can go wrong and I don't know where it's going wrong and what the matter is.
No.30523
No.30524
Magick gets so fucking complicated after you realize how it works on a basic level but then start encountering problems trying to push things forward.
No.30526
Here you are Provur.
No.30527
No.30532
What an abominable thread I just shat out.
Someone please go bump the good threads to knock my shit to page 2.
Gonna go and try to fix up parts of my body right now with magick, even if it it's mostly a vain struggle.
No.30545
Just went through your thread OP. I know you are trying your best, and failing. If there was anything I could do that would relieve you of your situation, I would do it. Everybody deserves to ascend. Just keep trying anon.
But if you really want to do it:
>>>/suicide/ has some tips for you.
No.30556
>>30545I just sort of half-healed a part of myself but there's a part of my body that's stretched in all fucked up way because of deformities of the bone underneath and that part right now the skin in the stretched area instead of healing is flaking right now and going to shit. FML
No.30760
What is the reason you were born in pain and a broken body? Everything has a reason. Do you meditate?
No.30831
OP, trainee wizard with similar problems here.
I feel like a massive hypocrite because the strong parts of me that have at times shone through convinced others that was the person I was.
But my broken and agonising body wrecked my ability to live as that person, and to be me beautiful spiritual knowledge I've accumulated.
I'm living on hope. There are some steps I can take that might heal me, or allow healing to begin. Or they might ruin me permanently. Right now is just hell but I have to carry on going because there some hope left and I don't know what price I might pay for killing myself and ruining the potential I know is there.
I also can't shake the feeling that somehow I brought this on myself and deserve it. Even though I know others fuck up so much more for so much longer and suffer less for it.
But I think maybe I need it to realise my potential, because along with it I had so much stubborn stupidity and it is smashing through it somehow.
But whatever thoughts and hope I have life is still just horrible. I want to flow and burn through this reality like I know I can. But this stupid body and my stupid abused mind ruined by my digusting mundane parents blocks me each new day. Every time I forget and reach some natural flow, the pain comes back and over hours grinds my character to putrid mush.
All I do is search how to make things better, search the occult, search to understand. But it's like even my ability to think is being destroyed now. If it gets too bad I'll end myself before I'm not able to.
No.30847
It sounds like you hate yourself still, and you're avoiding it.
You say you're trying to improve yourself, but you're really just half-assing it, and reveling in self-pity, obscuring it with all the knowledge you've gathered. Drawing yourself into a reality tunnel where you believe your life is going to just be suffering.
I'm not trying to hate, but you've gotta let go.
No.30849
>>30847You sound like a faggot who can't relate to having a truly broken body and mind hindering you from functioning on a basic level who has not the experience to be making any comment here.
Either get good enough to actually heal others or stfu.
No.30858
>>30847Oh fuck you. You're lucky I don't have malice enough to try to SHOW you how disgustingly idiotic you advice is by experience. I'll do you the kindness of just viewing you as an idiot.
You have any idea how useless 'letting go' is when your body attacks you with crippling pain every time you manage to, a few minutes after you finally, for once in months, feel free again?
What about being stuck in so much physical pain you can't function enough to get the money you need to pay for good enough medical treatment?
ALL I want right now is a body healthy enough to host my spirit and its vast love and ambition.
Just fuck off, you dense, blind cretin.
No.30882
>>30847>where you believe your life is going to just be suffering.Your language implies that they are merely fearing the potential for suffering and not having actively suffered for years on end.
>>30858>ALL I want right now is a body healthy enough to host my spirit and its vast love and ambition.THIS SO
FUCKING HARD. I know so many mundanes who have destroyed good bodies out of pure laziness while I struggle every day to breath properly doing the pranayama exercises, to straighten out my posture, I observe a very strict diet with absolutely no slip ups and no desire to deviate from it and fuck up, I exercise despite being so fucking tired and feeling shit, and force and strain myself through meditation despite the mental fog getting in the way. If some of the mundanes around me being lazy and watching television put in even half or a quarter of the effort I do to get better, they would be gods in the flesh in a short while, whereas me despite everything I do I'm still struggling to do the basics.
I am disciplined as fuck and don't waste time on games and stupid vices because I don't get pleasure out of anything anyways. I spend all my time, thousands of hours of my life, simply researching and doing practises and stuff to try to achieve a healthy body. I can't even think about higher pursuits like relationshits and careers and hundreds of other things because all of my time is dedicated to just fixing up this mess of a body I am trapped in.
I feel like I'm going to die before 30 the way things are going while your average human can at least expect to live to 70 and if they put in the effort I do they'd be achieving 90 years of age easily. I'll either make a breakthrough at some point by doing increasingly advanced and dangerous magick, bruteforcing my way past the aches and pains and tiredness and practically non-existent ability for healing and other bullshit of my body, or I'll surely exhaust all of my vitality and die before I get to 30.
No.30892
So if you don't mind me knowing, what afflictions do you all have? Do you have some sort of issue like hotwheels? Some other disease?
Were you attracted to magic because it (*can*) help with these problems?
No.30893
>>30882Right. The consolation is that maybe all of the intensity this pain forces is what will drive us further than any mundane can go. Maybe it was planned for this incarnation, or maybe that's just one of the main circumstances that produces a Wizard.
It seems to me 50/50 if I'll make it. I'm killing this self I am now either by death of the body or successful transformation of it. But if I do make it I know I'll be like an angel or demon or something furiously alive.
>>30892I have extreme nerve damage (which causes constant crippling pain in the center of my body) from one operation, and have to constantly struggle against failing muscle mass and related things caused by being incapacitated for months after another. The combination has clouded my thoughts and stops me drifting away into my natural trances and inspired states.
I was always drawn to the magical and esoteric. But that also started during being incapacitated during teenage years by migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome and horrible home environment.
It's like there was always the core vision of potential and magic and the quest there, and the pain beat me day after day into abandoning any comfortable hope in just getting by and enjoying the pleasures my intelligence and surroundings could naturally provide.
No.30898
>>30893Ah i see. My mother got in a bad accident when I was young and she has had to be on morphine and the like ever since. Oxy-codon I think it is? I'm not entirely sure the medication always changes.
At any rate she's always in pain if shes not on the meds. I understand that can be tough to live with.
My mom firmly believes in the mundane means to heal, and whenever she get's surgery's done (she got her discs in her back fixed, and more recently her hip)
She always heals at a faster rate then the doctors originally think.
To me it's amazing and I think there has to be some magickal reason why she heals so quickly.
My mom gets SSD, an it's funny because when she started to have all the symptoms after the accident the doctors all told her to fuck off. Probably thinking that she would die long before she could cause trouble for any of them. She was such a mess that no one wanted to touch her. But she's still here while doctors think she should have died a long time ago.
No.31106
>>30892I don't even know, I just have terrible health overall, lots of pain, can never sleep in any kind of pattern, terrible fatigue, can't heal, can't breath properly, never been to doctors.
No.31670
>>30512Stop chasing phantoms and sensations, learn to sit be calm yet focused and apprehend the nature of reality.
Theravada Buddhism is a useful vehicle for this.
Your life is shit, shitiness or any samsaric material can be useful for attaining insight.
Ajahn Chah teaches Theravada well without confusing with jargon or abstractions which are hard for beginners to understand.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WstNfNgYhkA&list=PLcmLU55y3_IyFJX4uQ8bAQ-kKr36RM1Bw