All the time, for years and years, I struggle to create any positive emotions I can and to work light magick; healing and things like mind-reading that don't hurt anyone but serve to enlighten, inspire, etc.
Yet this is against a constant backdrop of overwhelming hatred, anger, and negative emotions of every sort in unceasing abundance.
I have an inexhaustible supply of dark emotional energies to draw on. On the other hand I can barely manage to feel the faintest joy, love, and other such positive things.
Consequently I have this tremendous power that I hold in restraint and never use because nothing good can come of it and I feel like if I could heal one person it's more impressive and difficult than to kill and torture and defile a hundred; in my view all too easy. Anyone can destroy shit; hardly anyone can mend or build. At least not in this age, in this place, this world of ours.
Every day I struggle to keep negative thoughts in check, to use positive affirmations, to keep back a dam of negative energy that has never been released that is always threatening to burst out.
When I have let out just a small fraction of it, like maybe 5% at most of what I could have felt if I let it out in full force, I have gone completely berzerk from it with the following symptoms:
1. Heart pounding so loud you can actually hear it plainly.
2. All the energy in every part of my body being unlocked and rapidly used up.
3. Top speed at which I can run massively increasing.
4. Feeling of weightlessness even though weighed down by a lot of gear.
5. Superhuman strength.
6. Growling like a bear/demon/wild-animal.
7. A feeling that everything in the forest around me will drop to death just from the fear caused by my presence and that I can take on any wild animal and win.
8. Massively sharpened senses, reflexes, and a feeling that I will kill anything that might cross my path in the most efficient manner possible without having to think about it.
This last only a short while though before I collapse in complete exhaustion, an exhaustion more intense than I feel after an entire day of continual manual labor without breaks, even though the energy has been released only in maybe 10 to 15 minutes.
That's just what happens when I focus on an all-consuming desire to kill anything that comes across my path. There are other applications of all the hatred I feel where I am able to energize negative thoughtforms extremely fast and make them very strong in just a minute where I might fail to do that in 3 hours for a more positive variety of thoughtform.
The last time I ever used any of this kind of power was in doing rituals for Ebola Chan. It's been years however since we've done any black magick operation like that and I've been entirely dedicated to trying to open myself up to and receive love, joy, gratitude, etc. but instead my life has been continual torment and deepening hatred. Even though I try all the time to become stronger in the positive applications of magick my destructive power just increases tenfold.
Makes me question greatly whether I should let this all out. Probably what should have happened is instead of my whole life suppressing everything, everytime things went wrong and injustice was done to me, I should have got mad. Instead I am known for being the kindest and most gentle person ever because I literally never, ever, show anger. Now instead of releasing dark energy in minor doses with little consequence, what I have built up inside me is deadly. If only I could say the same for joy, that I had a wellspring of it. I don't have it at all, I have to do research and seek if I can find random stories and settings or people that have it, that I might feel it in some vague way.