/fringe/ - Fringe

Everything I want to achieve is already done by someone else. I can see that through the Internet. Whatever is my idea. For example I want to make a website about something. I Google it and guess what… there is already one!

Anyway, I am not competent and qualified to achieve something great, it just bothers me. But even if I were, there is nothing new I can do. And this demotivates me even more. When I was younger I thought I have some unique ideas but no… I thought I am smarter than average but… no. I am dumb. Even gypsies are more successful than me.

I don't enjoy life (not only because of above mentioned). I don't wanna have children. I don't wanna put someone else in this cruel world! I am actually surprised that only 20 in 100 000 commit suicide (which is about 1 in 5000). I also don't wanna have wife because I'm socially awkward and it will only make my life even more anxious.

I'm a nihilist and I know life is pointless and if I don't achieve something new I'd rather be dead. I don't wanna be in the eat/work/sleep/repeat shit. So tell me is it worth to live in my situation: 1. 19 y/o male 2. Don't want girlfriend/children. 3. Don't want to work just to continue my life. 4. Don't enjoy parties due to Social anxiety. 5. No hobbies, except surfing the web. 6. Don't see any point in life.

So, now I'm 19, been alive for 19 years and I still don't even know my way around the town. It's really affected my perception of reality, I feel as if I've become to a large extent a virtual-being. When I'm outside of the internet I feel myself completely ineffectual, I cannot find any tangible sort of purpose to fulfill.

From the impression I get from browsing the internet over the years, I don't think this sort of existence is unique, in and of itself.

Cognitively, I know the world is big and there are in excess of ~7billion people distributed across a bunch of countries, but part of me can't even fathom that different people exist. Like, Chinese or Europeans, they don't register as real. I mean, I know they exist, but beyond my family and the people I was forced to be around back when I used to go to school, I never interact with humans on a personal level. It seems so alien to me, knowing that other people exist. It's pretty fucked up.

It's got the point where most of my waking hours are spent sort of zoning out into derealization & depersonalization, all the while experiencing a subtle and pervasive anxiety about the very physicality of the world. I can feel my body digesting food and I can't stop counting how many breaths I take, the entire process of being in a body feels utterly mechanical & uncomfortable - I get disgusted and occasionally have panic attacks which feel more akin to some sort of pseudo-astral projection or mystical experience.

If my mind is concentrated and projected into the internet I feel somewhat fine, but once I leave my computer I literally feel dissociated from my body, as if I exist in some sort of force-field floating around outside of my body.

For a long time I've been telling myself that this is a dream, or it's not real, or existence is simply my qualia and nothing else, as in, there's no physical objects out there, my mind and its qualia is the full extent of existence. Needless to say I've been attracted to subjective idealism and solipsism. But other times I think of how I'm a system or sorts, like a machine or something. Whenever we talked about the body in school, I'd feel uncomfortable because it would bother me to think things going wrong in it.

One of the main things driving me to solipsism was that I couldn't handle the existence of other people. What if I had been them? What if I had been a normalfag obsessed with consumerist bullshit? A scary thought. So I tell myself that those people aren't real, they are phantasms, illusions, etc.

This is all a dream. A comforting thought.

My plan is to die after 22-23 hours so hurry up with the answers (if you have any)