No.33067
Heya /fringie/s
I know this isn't a personal blog-type of place, but I feel the need to vent right now and knowing from past experience is it good to write out your thoughts occasionally have I chosen to post here.
Excuse me if whatever that follows won't be suitable for this board, but I am willing to take the risk of this being deleted and my ass getting banned nonetheless.
I have this nagging guilt that's been gnawing at my insides throughout my life, which has inhibited me to see it all "clearly" (whatever that truly means). Or perhaps it's not really guilt. Everybody feels, or atleast has felt in some way or form, guilt/shame and how we experience, approach or repress said shame/guilt becomes how we define ourselves in our mistakes.
We all have done something we're not particularly glad of having done and oftenmost is the key to solving these feelings an honest approach, i(tro-n)nspection, and a willingness to solve whatever the fuck is bugging your soul.
What "I'm" trying to say is, I… fuck, I'll just write without any inhibition and see where it leads. Alright, ok. Where to start. Well, I have a test this friday in Clinical Nursing and I haven't studied for shit. I've tried, sure ("Tried" being a bit of a stretch"). More like tried at trying, but ultimately failing. As of now am I almost certain that I will fail the test, without really trying to study for it, and this brings me feelings of shame/guilt - Where is the line between those words anyway? I could look it up, but that would be exercising one of my main personality faults.
You see, I've never really learnt/thaught myself to study properly. I've looked at books as lines of words, texts and chapters as more of a chore to plow through, which has lead to never really knowing how to decipher the text for knowledge or experience in a deeper level of understanding. I could surely learn it if I read more, no doubt. FUCK.
To get this to a fringe-topic have I tried meditating, training visualization, sigil making, learning ambidexterity, practicing guitar (to reach deeper levels of concentration).. Guitar playing, singing, listening to classical music and playing around with my audial imagianiation is what I really enjoy in life. It's what I think is most pleasant at the moment, at least. Witnessing how my skills in the guitar increase, watching my fingers dance on the fretboard and the strings vibrating at the touch of my fingertips sets me to feel things only it can make me feel. And as I play and use my imagination to hear music, building up songs through the sounds I hear around me, I feel like this is what I want to be doing. This is what I was meant to be doing all these years. This is what I want to do with my life. I want music to be a great part of it.
But…
Then "reality" kicks in. I know that I am a mere dropplet in a sea of musicians that want to sustain on music alone, and since I'm not that young of a man anymore are my chances of "making it" not so far from slim. But of course that's not what I really want either..
I need a job so I can pay for food, my rent, etc. And having a nurses education WOULD be a great asset. I could get work all over the world and I would (potentially) be helping and healing people. That's what I want to do.. But… I don't KNOW if I really have the ability/talent to be a nurse (not atleast a good one). I am already greatly behind my class in my studies and I've kept telling myself "i'll catch up, I just need to WORK HARD!" but I haven't worked any harder than when I failed last time. Not really. I haven't pushed myself enough because I haven't had a clear vision of what I'm really studying for.
No REAL motivation..
FUUUUUUUUCK
No.33068
When I hit puberty, a decade ago or so, I had these daydreams of becoming a rockstar and imagined myself performing the songs I listened to on my Mp3 to an imaginary audience, being loved for being me and my guitar virtuosity.
I took guitar lessons by a man who didn't really know how to teach me, although I'd say the largest obstacle in our weekly sessionss was our communication (or the lack of it).
I'm a swedish-speaking-finn and my finnish was (at the time) not fluent enough for me to communicate with him properly, so I never really developed well as a guitarist. That's of course just an excuse I just came up with. My real problem is that I'm lazy. There I said it. I'm lazy and I don't care right about the whole "The words you use to define yourself becomes what you are"-truth, I need to face this side of me.
I am fucking lazy. I make fleeting promises to myself and others. "yeah, I'll take care of it", "yeah, I've already done it". Fuck, I am suck a liar. I've lied ever since kindergarden. It's a really bad habit of mine that I need to get in check, because it's teared up all my family relations and I've lost my friends because of my screw-ups.
Right now I just feel so shitty. I've eaten 10 packets of ramen and a whole pot of vegetables today, just stuffed myself with food to quench the stress I feel in my stomach because of the upcoming test that I've not properly studied for. I don't want to face the shame of telling my family that I've failed it (again) but I don't want to lie to them that I've passed it either. I just need to study, pure and simple.
But when I sit myself infront of the book and try to study I struggle with learning and memorizing what I read. I get easily distracted since I want to read stuff that I truly WANT to read and find interesting, and reading about how to properly wipe the ass of elders just doesn't tickle my fancy.
Then why am I studying to become a nurse?
I was a NEET up until two years ago and decided (thanks to my parents telling me I had to just fucking do SOMETHING) to apply to become a fysiotherapist (which I partly do have "talent" for since I have strong hands and good massage skills, and I find enjoyment in helping others with their health issues (although I honest have VERY little knowledge in the subject), wether it be helping them exercise, stretch, meditate, diet, doing relaxation and breathing exercises with them, giving them electro-magnetic therapy, etc.
But my grades from upper-secondary school (gymnasium) weren't suffifient to even get my application through to the jury at the fysiotherapy-education, but they were sufficient enough for me to apply for the nursing education, so I thought "What the heck, why not? It's close enough to something I'd want to do", so I went to nursing education thinking I'd become a nurse. Nurses DO have a "good future" in the sense that my country is in need of nurses due to an aging population, but I never really pictured myself happy in this profession.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "why don't you just quit the nursing school and become a hobo-guitarist?".
Well, I am scared. I am ashamed that I'm even complaining. I've had everything handed to me and I'm still parasiting on my parents. I don't have a job (not right now and haven't really ever had one) and my mom pays my rent and food. And yes, I don't think either that this is something good. I don't want to be dependent like I am. That's why I feel guilt. I am handicapped because I don't pay for my own expenses and therefore am reliant on others (my parents and grandparents). I'm sure that there are some who will defend this lifestyle but I am 23 years old and don't want to be a fucking child anymore.
No.33069
What gladdens me now though is that I don't feel as much apprehension towards the idea of "changing myself" as I did before.
I swim regularly and feel that my overall physical health has improved (although these past three days have I moved very little away from my bed and computer, except for fetching a packet ramen and chowing it down dry). I tend to do this over-computerizing/overeating-combo whenever I feel stress about something (most usually something relating to school), and it result in me losing even more time and getting a bunch of pimples on my face, which in turn makes me even more stressed (rinse and repeate) and creates apprehension towards talking with other people.
And this is what I've done yet again. Instead of just sitting down, biting my lip and fucking reading about medicinal procedures, have I instead chosen to lay on my stomach and marathon the Simpsons for 4 days straight.
It's amazing that I'm even confessing to this. Usually is the feeling of shame and self-resentment too strong to be this open.
Ah, fringe. I just don't know what to do.
I had a good streak going for a while, but failed again at the end because I didn't try hard enough.
The over consumption of food causes me to feel physically and mentally sluggish (which I maybe subconsciously WANT to feel since it makes me too tired to worry about the shit I need to do) and the consumption of media (tv shows, films, video games, imageboards) doesn't really help in getting my mind any clearer.. It's just a diversion.
I just don't know what to do..
I don't want to feel this helpless.
I don't want to fold this easily, because if I can't handle a little school stress then how the hell could I ever endure the true challenges of life (which I've never truly done).
I don't want to be soft and weak, I want to be strong.
Then why don't I just become strong?
What is stopping me from becoming strong and seeing things clearer?
Why am I stopping myself from developing?
Why man? FUck, just fuck this shit already.
Why am I afraid?
And why am I so fucking needy for attention?
I'll just end this here.
—-
Now, I know this didn't really come out fringe-related in the least but I'm not gonna read it all through to make it into something it's not (+ i'd probably delete half of it, which probably would be best to do, but I need to accept what I've already written and not feel like I have to change it to make it more appealing. That's what I always do and it always comes out dishonest, both to me and those who read).
But why did I write this here?
I suppose I request someones help (which is ironic in a way since I don't WANT to be needy on others…).
I've been browsing imageboards for years and I know that this site (along with fringechan's fringeboard and freedomboard) are very different in nature, which is why I think this post may be shunned, but I've know that there are many here who have had similar issues as me and I ask if you would like to share a bit about your own journey from becoming weak and helpless to thinking clearer on what it is truly that you want to do with your life, and how you overcame/are overcoming your own faults and strengthening your weaknesses?
Thank you,
Anons
No.33077
So however things may seem to be have I chosen to take my guitar and go play in the nearby metro tunnel (there is a spot there where troubadurs stand or sit to play at).
I dunno how it'll go (seeing as my guitar's D string is broken) but I'll TRY it out anyway.
Perhaps I'll have something magical to report with when I come back.
Cya later
No.33090
Alright, back.
It was fun.
I'm developing in some aspects but regressing in others.
Anyway, I'm not gonna waste anyones bandwidth anymore.
No.33094
>Unsure ramblings of an over-grown teenager
…
No.33108
No.33113
I'm going to bed and don't care enough to read all these walls of text. Some titbits suggest you lack quite a lot of self-knowledge and experience in dealing with yourself.
Can you just shorten it down, what help you want from people?
No.33118
>>33067>going to university/college to learn>not learning on your own and then going to a college or university later to prove you already know it all and get your credentialsThat's where you fucked up OP.
Besides, there is a fuckload of greenpilled stuff to do first, to build up your intelligence to superhuman levels and then doing stuff like this will be incredibly easy.
I hope you're not paying for these classes, that would be pathetic.
You could combine occult knowledge with standard medical knowledge to be a based as fuck healer.
Anyways, you aren't prepared for this shit, and should just find a way to exist and live an ascetic lifestyle, until you've had sufficient time to build yourself up mentally to handle things of this nature.
You probably had boomer parents that screwed you up, like practically all of us here. If they were only greenpilled you could be leagues ahead of everyone.
Oh well. As long as you are a male, don't fucking rush. If you're a woman you need to settle down fast and have children because your biological clock is ticking but males are not like that, they can spend more time building up wealth and knowledge, before settling down with a younger wife.
No.33121
>>33068>Now, I know what you're thinking: "why don't you just quit the nursing school and become a hobo-guitarist?". This is not what I'm thinking AT ALL OP. What I'm thinking is…
why are you such a huge faggot? No.33122
>guitar-player>watches television shows>eats degenerate ramen>doesn't see college as the scam it is>doesn't know how to properly manage his loosh>can't develop himself>over-consumes shitty food>wastes time on third density videogames, probably doesn't even play games in the astral>>33090I just wasted a good 15 minutes or so reading your shit thread, what a waste of time kek, just read the books and study nigger and stop poisoning yourself with shit food. Eat a ton of nuts and seeds and fatty foods and stuff to power your brain so it isn't a sluggish piece of shit and you can actually study and learn properly.
No.33123
>>33113tl;dr OP is a mundane faggot with interests and aspirations befitting a mundane and can't even get a handle on the basics of thought-control, memorization, discipline, emotional alchemy, etc.
No.33145
It sounds like you just have internet/arousal addiction. I saw a documentary about this being an epidemic in China and they had treatment centers for it. Im sure you could find it on jewtube if you search.
But you dont need any kind of center. You have the ability within you to change your life.
After you read my post, beginyour preparation. Download the occult books and print the list of recommened books on this site.
Then turn off your computer, turn off your television, turn off your video games. You've most likely spent several lifetimes worth of time on the internet thus far. Even if your "wasting time" just laying there in your bed, it is better than having something feeding you constant shitty distractions. You will suddenly get bored and this will motivate you to take actions related to your goals.
Its going to be hard as internet addiction is a very serious thing. Hide your laptop. Only use it if it's related to your goals. (for your schoolwork or to read actual literature by great minds, not imageboard nonsense that any 300 pound degenerate NEET could have wrote). Use the Pomoderro method and only use it at 25 minutes at a time. During those 25 minutes really focus on your goal for using it and then either get off, or take a short break before repeating.
I just rambled here, but if you take my information you should be good.
No.33160
>>33145>Download the occult books and print the list of recommened books on this site.How much paper and ink would that cost? Several hundred dollars worth?
No.33161
>>33160>How much paper and ink would that cost? Several hundred dollars worth?The list of the recommended books (not the entire books themselves) would fit on a single standard page.
If you have or you can acquire a smartphone or tablet you can read all of the PDFs comfortably away from a computer if needed
No.33168
>>33145In seeing that documentary I am interested.
No.33169
>>33067>>33067read franz bardon four keys or whatever its called
fire wind air water
No.33174
>>33169It's called
The Universal Master Key.
Go listen to this audiobook (or read it in PDF or listen and read if you prefer):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2b96Astj1Q No.33207
>>33145do you have an image for this complex math thing tutorial?
No.33212
OP here.
I sincerely apologize for posting this crap since it has nothing to do with this place of learning and discussion.
I thank for your constructive replies, some of which I've taken into deeper consideration, and hope that this thread hasn't rustled too many jimmies.
I simply needed to vent and it helped.
So thanks for everything
and keep on looshing, chaps.
Have a placebo
No.33258
>>33118what are some occult techniques for this superhuman intelligence?
No.33280
>>33207I don't think it was ever made, no one who posts that one ever manages to post the second part.
No.33355
>>33258Read Atkinson's book and work on thoughtforms and changing your thinking process and so on to build up and reshape and augment your mind so you can achieve superhuman intelligence.
You might want to start with his book on memory.
No.33443
>>33355>Atkinson's book on memoryI suppose you mean
Memory: How to Develop, Train, and Use It by William Walker Atkinson
I'll have a look at it.
No.33444
btw where is the list of recommended readings? There's the mega it seriously needs an update.
No.33445
No.33477
>>33444>>33444[Rules] [FAQ] [Fringe Guide] [Freedomboard] [/asatru/] [/edgy/] [/4chon/]
Read the rules before posting. Go to freedomboard if 8ch.net goes down.
Read the FAQ.
No.33486
No.35046
>>33122
>just read the books and study nigger and stop poisoning yourself with shit food.
>Just
>Just
>Just
nothing is JUST
i bet this nigga doesn't even through fireballs.
__
Get some grounding
write down why you want to pass the test, what you can do.
Just try to think about how much you want it. It may feel like you are bullshitting yourself but thats still better than just sitting there staring at a blank page. Try to let all the bullshit pass you. It's all baggage.
My father said
" school is hell, you might aswell enjoy it"
_
If would get upset if i wouldn't know better at how people just repeating your problems and insulting you for having them.
___ Stay strong bruv