I hate my identity, my memories, my thoughts, and my body; my experiences of life.

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File: 1429473821712.jpg (156.78 KB, 300x385, 60:77, kalki_mb2.jpg)

I hate my identity, my memories, my thoughts, and my body; my experiences of life. 04/19/15 (Sun) 20:03:33 No.33813

How does one deal with all of the cringe and embarrassing shit in one's life knowing all of it has been recorded, permanently, for all time; in the akashic records?

My entire life is a pile of shit. It has been humiliating, disgusting, and horrible. I don't want psychomancers to look into my life and see what it was, I don't want the past to haunt me. If I can block them from examining my past I would.

It's so bad. I don't know if in the future others will forgive me, for it was really all shit outside of my control, that I ended up in this revolting personality and body. Maybe the events of my life have happened to cultivate a deep resentment and disgust towards materiality in order to drive me towards higher attainments.

…because of my pursuit of /fringe/ occult development my memory works so incredibly well right now. I don't want to remember anything in my life though and I don't want to be confronted with images of my body or scenes of my past. I hate it all and I hate that at this very moment I am still connected to all of that through this body and mind I am working ceaselessly to shape from pure shit into pure gold.

I know a Shaman and some other people as well that are extremely highly developed. They can see into others minds, heal them, know their whole past with just a handshake, know their probable future, who they will marry, how they will die, etc. and I am scared to go near any of them. It doesn't help too that I'm a white supremacist and the Shaman I know is a Native Amerindian although I know white occult practitioners as well that are highly developed.

I feel complete revulsion towards my personality, my thoughts, my body, my identity, and my history. I want to disassociate from it all.

As I go forward in my development I do not know how my thoughts and ideas and personality will change. I have gone through so much drastic and accelerated change in my life. Ideas and attitudes I hold sacred at this moment may just sadden and disgust me in the future. I don't get any breaks either, my life is very turbulent and shitty, and I'm not sure I can even reasonably expect anything less from life in this material plane. It makes me want to turn within more strongly and completely reject the world, become even more reclusive than I already am. I can't trust anyone too and I don't like anyone. Everything, including myself, feels inferior and unworthy; there aren't any beautiful experiences in my life worth keeping and other people with all their weakness and vice similarly disgust me. Not a single thing that I have experienced do I want to retain or to have gone through. If I had a choice; I would prefer that I was never born.

04/19/15 (Sun) 20:06:18 No.33815

File: 1429473978866.jpg (67.21 KB, 393x514, 393:514, Kalki_1a.jpg)

I feel a conflict between my body and my mind. My body is expressing certain emotions and changing how I say things to people. One person for example who I was talking to yesterday said "don't be offended" and my voice and the way I was talking sounded offended but the voice that my body produces when speaking out loud is not the internal voice I have and I was certainly not offended by anything the person was saying as I am a hardcore imageboard browser and spent lots of time on Encyclopedia Dramatica and so on too and really there is nothing left in the world that offends me. I can't get upset about anything. I am only tired of it all. My body doesn't reflect my actual thoughts properly and my thoughts don't always reflect what my spirit desires be held in mind.

I hate being in this world and in this body and in this inferior mind. My thoughts, actions, experiences, etc. none of them hold much attraction to me. None of it as beautiful as I desire and know it could be. I am pressured by mundanes to get a wife, to have children, to work, etc. and I struggle with their shaming and everything but it feels like a scam. All of life is one big disappointment for me and it looks to me like it's that way for everyone else living in this world. I see people get divorced, get sick and die, get drunk constantly to numb the pain of their life and forget it, and it's very saddening for me. I also don't feel any patriotism or feel that I am along with the rest of the citizens of my nation are working towards a future worth creating. I feel instead that we are just creating a world in which billions of humans, mass men, will be enslaved to a pointless existence in which everyone will want to drug themselves or distract themselves or else contemplate suicide all the time because of how sick of life they are. The quality of the people as well is constantly degenerating, the number of beautiful men and women with each generation is less, if you look at pictures of classes from about 100 years ago you see they are racially homogeneous and they are healthy. If you look at any picture of a class today you see a mixture of weak sickly autists, gluttonous fatties, mongrels, and shitskins who all hold nothing in common with each other and have no future worth looking forward to. When I walk outside all the people are unhealthy and disgusting subhumans and I myself in my broken body, despite all my efforts, am similarly garbage although gradually I am transforming myself while all around me everyone else just degenerates further. Each successive generation is less healthy, more mongrelized, weaker, stupider, uglier, and it's horrible.

The most you could say about this time to make it seem redeemable in any manner is to harp about the technological advancements being made by an extremely small remnant of super-intelligent humans living amongst this cesspool of degeneracy and stupidity… and yet all the technology we have right now will be righteously regarded as shit and inferior in about 20 years… and the way technology is used will also reflect the increasing degeneration of humanity, so instead of using it for higher purposes, the most degenerate and stupid uses like pornography and facebook will be how the billions of retarded subhumans use their tech and we'll probably see trends in gaming also reflect this with games becoming less complex, more streamlined, and designed for use by inferior minds.

I find this world extremely repulsive and hate everything that has constituted my experience and life within it. When the fuck will I get a break from this? As soon as I reach a level of development high enough to do it, I will not restrain myself from intentionally destroying this whole world, and putting an end to the nightmare. I want to cull the mass man and destroy his misguided dystopian dreams for the future and let the planet rest for as long as it needs it to create a new stage for the development of a new man. I will do the work of Lord Kalki and feel no reservations about it. If I can tap into the world soul I will shake up the continents and drown the masses. I want to destroy it all and leave little memory of this degenerate civilization to be found by the future races. It feels like even living in this age has stained me, the memories and experiences of my life haunt me, and dishonour me. I must wrangle this mess of a body and mind in. I must attain beauty in mind and body, no longer showing any signs of imperfection physically, and no longer letting any repulsive disgusting inferior thoughts flow through my mind involuntarily. I hate the shitting and pissing sickly inferior beast, the human organism, which is such an inferior vehicle for my spirit.

04/19/15 (Sun) 20:54:07 No.33823

>How does one deal with all of the cringe and embarrassing shit in one's life knowing all of it has been recorded, permanently, for all time; in the akashic records?

k i l l y o u r s e l f

04/19/15 (Sun) 21:25:27 No.33831

>>33823

Still doesn't resolve the issue, someone will look into my past lives in the future, and see all that shit. It's literally recorded for all of eternity.

04/19/15 (Sun) 23:37:35 No.33849

>>33813

change your beliefs , break their patterns , the usual associations that you relate to objects, people , values. Do this on two levels, physical and mental .

On the mental level start observing your reactions to situations , you will notice that most of them are completely arbitrary . Ask yourself: that thought causes me pain? cause suffering to others? if so, leave it . Stop identify with your beliefs or your body ( anatta ) . You seem to be someone vain, leave that too , spend more time experiencing the present (radical phenomenology)rather than judging it based on past experiences .

But break mental associations is not enough , you need to break bodily reaction patterns , I recommend that you study Wilhelm Reich and make the proposed exercises by Hyatt in undoing yourself with energized meditation.

> Ideas and attitudes I hold sacred at this moment may just sadden and disgust me in the future.

If this ideas make you feel like shit isnt a good thing that they are mpermanent and apparently random?

take ta pain man, don`t denny it, but don`t let it harden you, don`t create an armor, use it to obtain wisdom instead.

04/20/15 (Mon) 00:02:38 No.33850

Everybody has skeletons on their closets, OP. I bet I've passed through situations that you'd find more ridiculous than these things you've been through. Even very successfull people have gone through hard times. There's always time to change. Believe it and it'll be true. Fake it 'till you make it.

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

04/20/15 (Mon) 00:56:09 No.33859

OP take up heroin/oxycodone/opiates opiates me stop caring about all my bad feels

04/20/15 (Mon) 04:18:59 No.33893

>>33859

>OP take up heroin/oxycodone/opiates opiates me stop caring about all my bad feels

So I have yet another thing I did that was absolutely stupid to embarrass me being recorded in the akashic records?

No, fuck you. You don't understand. I have developed to such a high point now I look at a person and I get flashes of insight into their past and everything.

…and the thing that frightens me the most if other people can do this too and a good portion of humanity, about 1% of it, can do this as well and is developing and becoming more and more powerful.

I don't know what to do to block people from seeing my past through the akashic records. It is a permanent stain that shall follow me forward through infinity.

Maybe the only way to do undo it all, is to allow my personality to die, and to then reincarnate again as a completely new individual disassociated from this present life I have lead; the only problem I have with this is that in ignorance I may make mistakes again and live yet another life that will make me cringe when I blossom again into higher understanding and power.

I want to get as far away from my present body, location, and everything else as I can. Fuck, every single object I have touched, any place I have lived, it all has psychic connections to me.

I'm at a new level of paranoia man. My greatest hope is that I can so thoroughly become invisible to the world that everyone that ever knew me dies and hopefully the memory they had of me is obliterated and the house I lived in falls apart and is destroyed and the place I lived can not be recognized anymore a few hundred years from now as what it is today.

I feel naked before the judging eyes of those who can peer into men's souls and see everything laid bare. I judge myself enough as is without the additional threat of seers peering into my soul and attacking me for what they see there.

04/20/15 (Mon) 04:30:46 No.33894

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>>33859

>take up heroin/oxycodone/opiates opiates me stop caring about all my bad feels

04/20/15 (Mon) 04:33:36 No.33895

>>33849

Your post completely does not address in any manner the issue I have raised in this thread. I have already changed for the better but I still have my past written into the akashic records permanently.

…and I don't give a shit about causing suffering to others, I am LHP, it's the weakness and inferiority in my past that embarrasses me. I am pretty much a spiritual psychopath. I am extremely vain and absolutely reject your suggestion not to be vain and hate those who don't value beauty.

>you need to break bodily reaction patterns

It's not even a pattern, I have lived in extreme isolation very long, it's possession by people's thoughtforms changing how my body behaves. Basically my body has no set pattern so whatever people think I'm going to react my body responds to that thought and behaves as they expect. In this manner my body acts as a mirror that shows what people think of me right back to them.

>If this ideas make you feel like shit isnt a good thing that they are mpermanent and apparently random?

Nothing is random and ideals are eternal.

>take ta pain man, don`t denny it, but don`t let it harden you, don`t create an armor, use it to obtain wisdom instead.

It's not pain that is the issue it's how fucking disgusting and inferior I was. If my parents knew better and weren't degenerate shits themselves things could have been a lot better but instead I've had to suffer the indignity of an incarnation into such shitty circumstances. Now I have risen above them but anyone need only look into my past and they can see how weak, cowardly, repulsive, ugly, and subhuman I was before purging it all and remaking myself anew. I want to change my name and move to a new location and break as many ties mundane and psychic as possible to my lowly past. I want to die to this world and start a new life in which only beauty is manifested and none may ever suspect that I was once a deformed freak with a sick mind.

04/20/15 (Mon) 04:34:12 No.33896

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>>33894

How is that a fedora post? You should be posting some ROPE at him as he's a degenerate.

04/20/15 (Mon) 05:16:59 No.33898

>>33893

I get you. You're going to have to live with everything, because it is eternal. The most you can do is make those who look at your life say "Well, how impressive was that ascent. True redemption."

It's your only hope, so stop trying to run from the past.

04/20/15 (Mon) 05:29:09 No.33900

>>33831

I like you.

04/20/15 (Mon) 06:44:07 No.33904

>>33893

Your answer is complete acceptance. Acceptance doesn't equal being "okay" with your shitty past, it just means looking at it as a gradient towards a better future.

If you look back and say "yeah, so that happened, but I'm moving onwards now", you'll find yourself in a better place.

The man who looks only backward is depressed, the man who looks only forward is anxious, the man who lives in the present is content.

04/25/15 (Sat) 07:51:29 No.34736

File: 1429948289843.gif (2 MB, 250x216, 125:108, boxed.gif)

>I feel a conflict between my body and my mind. My body is expressing certain emotions and changing how I say things to people.

OP, there are several reasons for this:

- your unconscious (during wake-up time) sends stronger signals to your body than in the average man(which it controls, that's valid for all of us, check NLP for confirmation) due to some unresolved conflict tween what you know to be true(but somehow the subconscious=filter keeps it buried in the unconscious) and what you say/speak about the same subject

- your unconscious hosts "parasitic memories"(not yours from this life) that surface their will into your body movements

- your soul is piggy-back ridden by an "alien parasite" that has the capacity to influence your mind(by tricking the subconscious and blocking signals from your own unconscious)&body

hope this helps, but you need to actually determine which of these is the answer(might be more than 1)