Does anyone else here get a feeling of horror when threatened by a commitment to something that could end up consuming your life or at least many critical and important years that you would rather devote to the salvation of your soul?
This keeps happening to me all the time. It's why I don't want to work any kind of job I can't walk away from and prefer temporary work and why I avoid getting into relationships with people too.
I feel this constant anxiety all the time when I'm having to do mundane shit to get money, clean up, get things all in order in preparation for what I am going to do. The longer I go without doing some advanced ritual work, inducing powerful trances, or doing some kind of worthwhile magick the more my anxiety grows and I feel my mind becoming numb and feel the strong urge to continue forward with developing myself.
Every day, no matter what, no matter that I am sick and exhausted and a bloody mess, I continue to do certain basic exercises of the mind and body to keep myself in shape on every level. If I feel that I am weakening at any point I get worried and feel more determined to keep it up, although not wanting to overdo things either and hurt myself.
Right now I have a variety of illnesses manifesting for me that are making me really suicidal. I feel like killing myself. I have to keep pushing forward though and eventually I'm going to have everything ready for my next big ritual and I'm going to complete another important step in developing myself into an extremely powerful wizard.
I also feel some anxiety about how much of myself has to die for me to continue forward. I have to adhere to so much secrecy, I have to experience the death of many relationships, I have to watch and be in pain as others suffer and I can't do anything about it because I need to develop myself so my future capacity to handle and amend the suffering of others will be far greater. I am so open to the thoughts of others and feel my soul tied into my house, into my surroundings, into everything I touch and I feel when others think about me or their awareness turns to me. I feel my soul merging with my surroundings and with concepts/ideals/etc. and I understand the necessity of soul-purification and transmutation. I have to constantly rest my awareness in the knowledge of the true self as well, so as not to get absorbed entirely into the nature of the elements, or of other natures that would absorb me into them.
God has thrown so many tests upon me to really give me the chance to prove my virtue and it continues all the time and with great severity. I experience constant, amazing synchroncities, and get clear answers and I read my surroundings like a symbolical dream understanding what everything means. I am constantly aware of my surroundings as being a reflection of my own mind and feeling my mind extended into them. I know so many correspondences and can sit in any place and read so many things about it and know what is resonating with me.
I am suffering so much but I feel the pendulum swing is coming soon for me. My will is like iron and I commit myself to even very simple things with a determination to complete it or die trying, seeing failure at dishonourable and unacceptable, because I must prove again & again to God that I will stand my ground to the bitter end of my intentions. My ability to concentrate has become so profound that I lose awareness of anything but what I am focused on.
I feel so fucking anxious navigating all these pitfalls and dangers and going through all this shit all the time and I just want to kill myself so badly going through this psychic hell. I am not sure how much longer I am going to have to endure before finally everything clears up enough and conditions are right that I can begin the very important magickal work that is going to take me yet another major step up in my soul's development.