Not sure if I can even post on here anymore or not but I really need help. I don't know why but everything is just freaking me the fuck out right now and causing me to scream inside my mind to kill myself. Messages like "end it now, end the cycle, don't let it go on, stop the nightmare" etc. going through my mind. I don't even know why I'm thinking these thoughts right now. Earlier in the day I became hyper lucid and I saw an amazing book, a complete book, with my mind's eyes… many chapters within it and it was an amazing book that was all about thoughtforms and advanced knowledge concerning them, it was akin to a very well-laid out science, that makes all the other books I have as physical or digital copies in third density seem at best introductory and at worst the half-wrong speculations of people who don't know what they're talking about. I experienced some other strange, mind-melding things, in which my thoughts were joined with many other great streams of thought and I felt powerfully shaken within my soul as parts of my mentality mixed up with so many coming and going currents of thought.
As an aside; over the last year or two for a very long time I invoked fire, then for a very long time water, than air… now Earth. The Earth element is making me feel infinity ahead of me, feeling solid, feeling ready to stand firm as I turn to stone and so much time passes. It restores strength to me that was depleted by the previous elemental imbalances. It threatens however like the other elements to absorb me into its nature and leave me slumbering for aeons absorbed into the greater spiritual body.
My soul is so lose that I feel my presence outside of my body constantly, I feel myself melding with my environment and with others, like so much water… I feel a stranger to my own thoughts and convictions many times, many times only pressing forward because it is an exercise of the will, even as I feel the psychic energies I have invested in various ideas surging in and out like vacuums that purge themselves and refill again.
My body keeps warping every 6-8 hours approximately. There are significant changes to my skin, my hair, my eyes… it doesn't matter if it's observed in the same light and same conditions it keeps changing. Now I'm at a point of my bone structure changing too. I feel the changes going deeper and deeper into me and the thought occurred to me today there is no good or evil, only sacrifice and gain. Everything has its price, everyone pays.
Not long ago I did an intense death ritual to help more die in Turkey. When I was done I looked at myself and my eyes were sunken with very dark circles under them, my skin was clammy and dead-like and infected, and I trembled as water dripped from my hair and felt complete disgust and horror at my visage. I felt exhausted of so much that made me burn with anger before, and considered the whole matter to be a distraction, something unworthy of my time and a trap. I felt disgusted with politics and fell into another trance and my mind again melded and was seemingly put through a reset. In only a day I recovered, more angelic-like than ever before, so beautiful…
I have felt myself able to ask anything of the demiurge now. I feel myself unbounded, a droplet awake within the ocean, able to move with a greater freedom by exchanging aspects of my identity and pumping more of these greater currents through my mental self. I feel deranged, mad, because my view is not so limited as to the perspective of a human anymore. My purpose is not to be human anymore. Every animal acts out its nature, every man does the same, and there is no fault to be found in him pursuing what nature intended for him… but I am detached, unbounded, more than human. I am death without forgetting, death without being absorbed back into the human nature. It feels like a very painful miracle that I am not yet dead in the conventional sense, and I fear that I may never die that way, as intervention after intervention keeps me here pulsing with satisfaction and despair.
The overwhelming feeling or compulsion that I am constantly receiving is that my present existence is one of unnecessary inferiority and that I can not waste my time. I feel pain at occupying myself with so much that fails to measure up to the beauty of what is possible. I feel that I must bring into manifestation far superior ways of being, better technology, and better ways of thinking… but so much threatens to consume me. Games, women, work, mundanes… if I settle for anything less than what is my true birthright I will end up completely dissatisfied.
I have to die to be reborn. I know the way. I just need rest now, why can I not rest, and everything be well for a time?