>>121271
Yea.. this.. I've been I guess you could say somewhat fortunate.. but really thats subjective… I've always a connection but it took me a long time to notice it. I was in the g.a.t.e. program and it was quite effective at breaking my spirit for a while, which I am certain was the intention. Instead of having a growing process in finding myself I found that I was lost so I enlisted and my 'rebirth' event came in the form of 50lbs of tnt going off right next to me. I learned things that night that took me almost a full decade to digest, the first 5 years were especially torturous. 5 years worth of punishing myself with alcohol because I knew something was off but I just couldn't settle it. Was plagued with devastating headaches.. or rather what I thought was devastating headaches.. Once I started truly figuring it out I realized what it was, dont really have words to describe it, my third eye maybe but Ive come to think of it as my first eye and first ear, the one that comes before the openings in my skull. Maybe, who knows, but I can see, hear and feel things that I was previously unaware of.
The 'fortunate' part is because of being wounded in combat I get paid just enough disability to almost make ends meet. But really it fucking blows. Ever since then, ever since I saw what I saw when the blast of the explosion blew my ass to kingdom come I have not been able to keep a job. Even when I bust my balls I always wind up losing it for bullshit reasons within 6 months.
And all this shit.. It's all so new and wonderful. Even when I am at my lowest knowing that it is there and that I was right all my life that something was strange is pretty nice. I see a lot of people get really blackpilled when they start seeing it, and I understand that fully I've wrestled with some things "is it something like the idea of the demiurge; a false reality, or is does it amount to something like a son not understanding the ways that his father teaches him lessons" such can get really heavy. But what sucks the most is.. there is no real instruction manual. From what I have seen every text, every sect, every doctrine, is corrupted. They all hint towards the same things but instead of describing anything close to the full picture they all worship symbols that are but mere snippets of the meta-pattern of the fabric of reality. Is it supposed to be something like a learning game? An escape the room type puzzle where you need to find all the pieces yourself? I believe that is the most likely scenario. But, the majority of what I see is deception and it seems everything comes down to faith.
Fuck didn't mean to blogpost guess Im wrestling with a demon right now.