>>43340
>I have many ambitions but I am extremely lazy
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>If something is too hard I quit easily and I absolutely HATE IT, I have so many ideas, projects, things I want to learn, books I want to read but my laziness keeps getting in the way.
Yeah man, you're not alone with this. Let me offer a way out of this hellhole.
>This is especially effecting me at wageslave job where I am unable to be friends with any of my coworkers because I envy their skills and their smarts to the point of thinking of physically harming them
You hate what you see in the mirror, it's too painful for you to be aware how pathetic you are in your own eyes. That's why you fantasize about harming them, because they enable you to see yourself. I've been there as well (except for the harm part).
>I am really desperate for a solution and have been thinking of using drugs but can't find a reliable source in my area yet.
I too thought about taking drugs, wanting DMT or ayahuasca to somehow magically awake my spirit, to start the fire burning, to get me deal with my problems. But drugs are not needed. Just look into exposure therapy. The drugs you'd like to use, they'd put you through ordeal, showing you what you try to bury. What you need is more pain, not less. You need way more pain by facing your pathetic existence, up to the point where you won't be able to take anymore and through anger you'll turn around on the spot, not accepting your bullshit any longer. It's nasty, but it fucking works.
For this occasion, let's assume that there is such a thing as an alternate universe, and in that universe, there's an alternate version of you, Anon. What does he look like? What is he like? What does he do? What is his character?
I've tried this many times, and each time it's like being hit by a sledgehammer. I see myself, as I could have been. Why is that? Why, in a matter of mere seconds, do I get a crystal clear picture of what I've could have been? Because I know that it's within my power to be like that if I don't give a way to my bullshit but listen to myself for a change.
There are 3 things that helped me to dig myself out of a hole: meditation, cold showers, and split-hours.
Meditation
I don't do transcendental, Buddhist, Zen, or guarding myself against thinking. I do it for the sole purpose of entering a "God mode". Think of yourself as both God and a machine. You, the internal God, are capable of achieving astonishing things through your will and genius. You, the machine, are capable to run like an automaton through your habits, both good and bad. When I start meditating, I focus on breathing and calming my mind. Then I enter a God mode, where I drop every bit of bullshit and refocus my mind on what is important to me, and to this world. I lift my spirit as much as possible. I say my mantra. Then finish with more breathing while keeping sharp focus.
Cold Showers
Genius invention to build your will and getting you sharp. Early in the morning, I roll two dice. If one of them is 6, I combine it with the number on the other dice. If none of them is 6, I take the one which number is higher. That determines how long I'm gonna be under the water. In minutes, obviously. The beginning is awful, after finishing I'd be thanking Odin that I did it again. That's how powerful this is.
Split-hours
After work, in my free time, I split each hour into two 30m blocks. The 1st block is used exclusively for working on my current project, the 2nd block for whatever I feel like enjoying. 1st achievement, then fun. This process repeats until I decide to go to sleep. Each fucking day.
Choose 1 project you want to accomplish within a month. There needs to be something tangible at the end, and daring as well. Then you work on it for a month. Works miracles.
If you wanna learn how to play guitar, for instance, choose 1 song that is dear to you. That's the song you'll be playing at the end of the month like a fucking rockstar. Guitar playing, like anything, has its very simple fundamentals. Learn them. There are basic chords you need to know, and know them by muscle memory. Practice this the most. At the same time, choose a small portion of your dear song (couple of chords), and play them each block for a couple of minutes. Like nothing, soon you'll become more confident and by the end of the month, you'll play the song like nothing.
And this goes for every fucking thing. Skills do not appear magically, they're built over time. Duh.