>How do I get off this fucking train?
Why do you think that it's the right thing to do?
>Do I have to declare a massive fuck you to the cosmic plan, what is it going to take for me to fix myself?
Maybe you should think about this and weather you already gave that "massive fuck you to the cosmic plan" or not, shouldn't you?
As soon as you consciously or unconsciously violate the laws of harmony that rule the occurrences in the universe, such as not treating your body properly, committing violations against a group of human beings of which you are part or into which you are integrated, or crimes and so on, you yourself will have to carry the often embarrassing consequences. You will carry them in the form of ailments, external conflicts, and catastrophes in your life.
>What should I do in order to understand the point of this life, what I can do to actually see my will manifested, etc.? I could at least suffer with a feeling that my suffering is for some reason, that it is somehow noble, and not just a complete waste of time. I am tired of the bullshit.
Does not every watchmaker know his work, and did he not assign a certain role for every wheel in the whole scope of things? It is your task to find out, to feel out as well as you can, your intended purpose, in order to enlist your whole life into the service of this leading thought which was placed within you. Only the horse that jumps over the hurdle placed in front of him no longer requires the whip.
>Find some ritual I can do where I'll actually have success and that will enable me to change the conditions of my life.
Practice good acts, volunteer to help other people, and focus on introspection. There is no instant magical ritual that will cure you at once, dedicated acts of kindness and charity sows that seeds for a better future in this life and the one after it. Maybe you should ponder on the reversed six of wands.
https://youtu.be/72C3WFW_Fmo