All the time, for years and years, I struggle to create any positive emotions I can and to work light magick; healing and things like mind-reading that don't hurt anyone but serve to enlighten, inspire, etc.
Yet this is against a constant backdrop of overwhelming hatred, anger, and negative emotions of every sort in unceasing abundance.
I have an inexhaustible supply of dark emotional energies to draw on. On the other hand I can barely manage to feel the faintest joy, love, and other such positive things.
Consequently I have this tremendous power that I hold in restraint and never use because nothing good can come of it and I feel like if I could heal one person it's more impressive and difficult than to kill and torture and defile a hundred; in my view all too easy. Anyone can destroy shit; hardly anyone can mend or build. At least not in this age, in this place, this world of ours.
Every day I struggle to keep negative thoughts in check, to use positive affirmations, to keep back a dam of negative energy that has never been released that is always threatening to burst out.
When I have let out just a small fraction of it, like maybe 5% at most of what I could have felt if I let it out in full force, I have gone completely berzerk from it with the following symptoms:
1. Heart pounding so loud you can actually hear it plainly.
2. All the energy in every part of my body being unlocked and rapidly used up.
3. Top speed at which I can run massively increasing.
4. Feeling of weightlessness even though weighed down by a lot of gear.
5. Superhuman strength.
6. Growling like a bear/demon/wild-animal.
7. A feeling that everything in the forest around me will drop to death just from the fear caused by my presence and that I can take on any wild animal and win.
8. Massively sharpenPost too long. Click here to view the full text.